The scene: GIRL 1 is lying on a bed, sobbing. GIRL 2 rushes in.
As befits a Japanese TV commercial, both GIRLS are pretty, long-haired,
lightly dressed and have undergone breast-enlargement surgery. For
the linguistically impaired, Translation Yoda Inc. (motto: "A good
translation it is") has provided translations of the original Japanese.
G2: Daijoobu? Great-manly-man?
G1: Daijoobu ja nai yo! Hidoi'tte! Great-manly-man speaking-of not!
Inochi de tsukareta, jisatsu Horrible saying! Life of bored,
shitai no yo! self-kill wanting of!
G2: Sonna koto icha dame yo! Atashi, Such thing having said bad! Me,
inochi sugoi! life is great!
G1: Sugoi!? Yoku iu yo! Nan de? Great!? Daringly said! What of?
G2: Mochiron JEI-TSUU-JEI wake wa yo! Naturally J2J because!
G1: E'? Jei-tsuu-jei? Nani sore? Huh? J2J? What that?
G2: Kore! This!
GIRL 2 shows an eye dropper prominently labeled "J2J" to the camera.
G2: Tsukatte miru? Trying see?
G1: Maa... ii ja nai ne. Choodai. Well... good speaking-of not, eh.
GIRL 2 hands GIRL 1 the bottle. The camera shows a slow-motion closeup of
GIRL 1 dropping a single drop in her eye. In a puff of smoke, GIRL 1 and
GIRL 2 are transported to a sunny tropical beach, wearing only skimpy
bikinis. Next to them is the official J2J MASCOT, a guy dressed in a red
lobster suit with the letters "J2J" emblazoned on it.
G1: Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Su-gggooooooi! Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grrrrrrreaaaaaat!
Kimochi ii nee... ima inochi ga Chi-attaching good eh... now life
daisuki! Jei-tsuu-jei-san, doomo is very-liked! Mr. J2J, very much
arigatoo gozaimasu! inconvinienced humbly am!
J2J MASCOT bows and wiggles its lobster claws.
G2: Ima sugu denshimeeru o! Now right away e-mail!
GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 proceed to bearhug J2J MASCOT as the official
annoying J2J jingle is played.
JINGLE: Burahuman juukougyou no Brahman Heavy Industries' J2J!
GIRLS: Shinhatsubai! New-out-sale!
GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 tear off J2J MASCOT's lobster suit and out jumps
WILLIAM SHATNER. The GIRLS and the beach scene suddenly disappear and
are replaced by a dark studio with a single spotlight on SHATNER.
SHATNER: Hello, I'm William Shatner. This is Rescue J2J. Most of you
readers out there have been reading this for 3 months now... yet
there was trouble brewing.
SHATNER adopts a concerned look.
SHATNER: On July 17th, 1998, the J2J executive committee's executive
meeting on executed executives was being held in Bent Arm Pit, Wyoming.
At 16:53, the Bent Arm Pit County J2J Emergency Services Department received
a strange phone call. The voice said...
RECORDED MALE VOICE: Despite your humbly appreciated hard work I would
not be entirely honest if I did not permit myself to express some slight
disappointment at your performance.
SHATNER: The Emergency Services Department immediately dispatched a team
to the Bent Arm Pit University of Sheep Farming to figure out just what
Scene changes to a professor-type sitting at a desk filled with
laboratory gear and bizarre rubber clothing. The caption identifies
the man as DR. EGBERT J. SCHNIBBLE, PH.D.
SCHNIBBLE: Mnyem, yes. According to our, krhmm, analyses this is clearly,
mnyem, a thinly veiled threat hinting at dark consequences that may
befall the poor innocent fluffy little sheep [ SCHNIBBLE licks his lips ]
penned up here on the grounds of Bent Arm Pit University. After all,
my team has received a Nobel Prize for its ground-breaking studies on
artificial insemination and there are some, mnyees, jealous people
out there. Mnyees. Flossy? Where are you my dear? Here sheepy sheepy...
The scene hurriedly shifts back to the studio.
SHATNER: The situation was clearly dangerous. Fortunately, thanks to the
brave, courageous and heroic actions of the J2J Finnish Bikini Team and
our viewers who keep the advertising dollars rolling in this tragedy was
averted. Yes, it was time for...
The GIRLS make a sudden reappearance. Fanfares play and a square kilometer
of Indonesian rainforest is used for making confetti as the GIRLS bounce
about in their bikinis, brandishing a giant sign and yelling:
GIRLS: ZA J2J SUPESSHARU KYANPEEN!
The scene changes to a rustic wooden cottage. In steps a familiar
bearded figure in a plaid shirt.
BOB VILA: Hello, I'm Bob Vila. A few days ago, I started a redecorating
effort, my aim being to cover my all-too-bare bedroom walls with postcards,
flyers and the like. All too soon, however, despite the best efforts of
acquaintances worldwide I found myself running out of ammunition. So what
do I want you -- yes, YOU -- to do? Well, if you like J2J, don't just sit
there -- send me a postcard! Better yet, a letter! Fan mail! Death
threats! Little red lobsters! Used panties! Give me your tired, your
poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free! Tell your friends!
Tell your enemies! Tell your neighbor Irma and her dog Flippy! Link
in J2J! Link out J2J! UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED!
BOB VILA, tired by all this uncharacteristic shouting, starts to morph
into a plaid blob of steel, using an effect blatantly borrowed from
Terminator 2. It turns out that hiding inside BOB VILA is really none
other than MR. MICROMACHINES.
MR. M.: But wait...there's more! Not only will you get the altruistic pleasure of
having sacrificed a postcard on the altar of humanity, but everybody who
sends me something (preferably with return address included) will get
an authentic bizarre Japanese object absolutely free of charge! Yes,
we mean FREE! Imagine, now you too can own an authentic piece of
Japanese memorabilia that will be cherished by generations to come (although
the J2J Mint does not guarantee that the object will rise in value).
A pair of Ginsu knives, an autographed copy of "78 Mind-Boggling Recipes
with Anko, Curry Powder and Toothpaste" in Swahili, or perhaps even a liter
of Prughurt. It slices, it dices, the possibilities are endless!
The display switches to a blue information screen with voiceover.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: So order yours TODAY. Send your postcards, lobsters
and/or underwear to:
J2J Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
#603 Homat Capital
Credit cards and Ukrainian garbochernetses accepted. Offer not valid
after September 19th, 1998. Consult a physician before applying as an
enema. This is not an offer to buy or sell securities. Federal, state
and interstellar regulations may apply.
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